Purple Pants Podcast | The Blueprint with Francesca Hogi

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[00:00:31] You better get that box wine. It's the Purple Pants Podcast. You're trying to get your snack. You better hurry right back though. It's the Purple Pants. It's the Purple Pants.

[00:00:41] Hello, hello and welcome to the Purple Pants Podcast, The Blueprint with Francesca Hogi. I serve as your humble and oh so gracious host, Bryce Isaiah.

[00:00:51] And I thank you so much for tuning in to this week's special episode. If you could be so kind to ensure you are subscribed to the Purple Pants Podcast,

[00:01:01] we are available on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you can find podcasts. The Purple Pants Podcast awaits for you to subscribe.

[00:01:11] And of course, anytime we're talking with Francesca, you can watch this audio podcast on video. Head over to the Bryce Isaiah YouTube channel, click subscribe, give this video a thumbs up,

[00:01:24] and let us know what you think about our conversations in the comments. I am so thrilled to have back the Survivor alum,

[00:01:34] the podcaster, the TED Talk host, the dating expertise, and a friend of the show, Francesca Hogi, the host of Dear Franny Podcast.

[00:01:46] This week, Francesca shares with the Posse the blueprint for building healthy relationships, practicing self-care, and creating a thriving business.

[00:01:56] You know, anytime I get to get with my girl Francesca, you know I always got questions about real life,

[00:02:02] and I just am so happy to have a friend in Francesca that I could call her, come on the podcast, and we can just talk.

[00:02:09] I definitely feel like this podcast is going to be an inspiration to someone out there listening.

[00:02:15] So without further ado, The Blueprint with Francesca Hogi.

[00:02:20] It's a man who? It's a man you. Me and potatoes like we're cooking up a great stew.

[00:02:24] It's a man who? It's a man you. Me and potatoes like we're cooking up a great stew.

[00:02:35] Hello, and welcome to a very special Purple Pants podcast.

[00:02:39] If you are an OG member of the Purple Pants Posse, then you know this podcast is an annual thing.

[00:02:46] It's really like Bryce getting his life together with my big sister.

[00:02:50] I'm so honored, so thrilled to have the incomparable, the amazing, the smart, the beautiful, the tell-it-like-it-is,

[00:03:00] the TED Talk speaker, the podcast host of Dear Franny, the dating connoisseur, Miss Francesca Hogi.

[00:03:09] Welcome back to the podcast.

[00:03:11] Oh, Bryce, you are so sweet. Thank you.

[00:03:15] You always give the best introductions.

[00:03:17] Thank you.

[00:03:18] Hi. It's so easy when you have an amazing guest on the podcast with you.

[00:03:25] I will be honest, though.

[00:03:27] I was like so anxious to text you to be like, girl, when we podcast,

[00:03:31] because every time we podcast, I feel like I leave with six months of homework to get my life together

[00:03:39] because you always just, you know, give great advice and you always just like,

[00:03:43] you just put me together.

[00:03:45] And I'm like, oh, I don't know if I'm ready to be put together.

[00:03:48] Ooh, let's put you together. What's going on, Bryce?

[00:03:52] So much, Francesca.

[00:03:54] But before we get into me, because you know, girl, I could talk all about me.

[00:03:57] How is life with you?

[00:04:00] I need to, I feel like the last time we talked, and sorry, sorry if I'm all over the place because I just get so excited when you're here.

[00:04:07] No apologies.

[00:04:07] You know, like last summer when we talked, you were like, Bryce, I got a TED Talk coming out.

[00:04:14] I was like, and now it has been out.

[00:04:18] Like, what has that experience been like for you?

[00:04:21] It's like, I'm so proud.

[00:04:24] So like, it's so crazy.

[00:04:26] You're so sweet.

[00:04:27] Yeah, so I have a TED Talk that came out in December of last year.

[00:04:32] And that was very exciting.

[00:04:34] But actually, you know, it's interesting because I did the talk in April and it didn't come out.

[00:04:39] They didn't release it until December.

[00:04:41] So I had all this time to be like, oh, what's going to happen?

[00:04:45] But then when it came out, I was like, oh, like my life just goes on.

[00:04:48] Like, it's good and I'm proud of it.

[00:04:51] And I, you know, I hope to do another TED Talk.

[00:04:54] And lots of amazing things have come from it.

[00:04:58] But it's also like, you know, we get these ideas in our head that it's like, oh, if I do this thing and I hit this milestone, then, you know, your life is going to be different.

[00:05:10] And it's not that your life isn't different in ways, but you're still you.

[00:05:13] You know what I'm saying?

[00:05:14] And so it's kind of like, oh, yeah, I did that.

[00:05:17] But I don't really think about it anymore, frankly.

[00:05:22] Well, I love it.

[00:05:23] And I think the one thing, not only I think from that seeing you do the TED Talk, because, you know, I watched it, I shared it, I supported it.

[00:05:31] Thank you.

[00:05:32] I think sometimes in life, I feel like, you know, we're taught to be humble.

[00:05:37] We're taught to be like, you know, when good things come, you're like, oh, thank you so much.

[00:05:43] The me maturing is me learning that F being humble, like talk about your accomplishments, like, you know, shout it to the world.

[00:05:52] And the thing that I loved or got inspired by you the most was not even the TED Talk.

[00:05:57] But first of all, Francesca don't play.

[00:05:59] I got an email at a chain.

[00:06:01] Francesca saying, listen, my TED Talk is going to be on this.

[00:06:04] Share, comment, like, send it to your friends.

[00:06:06] And I was like, I loved it.

[00:06:08] I was so hyped.

[00:06:08] I forwarded that email.

[00:06:10] I was like, y'all better just watch this.

[00:06:12] And I just love that, though.

[00:06:13] Like, I thought, like, not only are you making this amazing accomplishments, but it's like.

[00:06:19] Like, you're spreading the good news.

[00:06:21] Like, you know, like, of course, you're a humble person, but it's like, this is what something that I've accomplished is major in my life.

[00:06:27] And I want people to see it.

[00:06:28] And I got really inspired by just that alone.

[00:06:32] Oh, thank you.

[00:06:33] Thank you.

[00:06:34] Well, then you're going to be real inspired because I have a book coming out in the spring and you're going to be sick of me.

[00:06:43] See, this is why I love when you come on the podcast, Francesca.

[00:06:47] Stay dropping the gems.

[00:06:49] I love it.

[00:06:51] What is the book about?

[00:06:53] So the book is about dating.

[00:06:54] It's called How to Find True Love.

[00:06:57] So.

[00:06:58] Yeah, okay.

[00:07:00] Girl.

[00:07:02] What day it come out?

[00:07:03] Okay.

[00:07:07] Yeah.

[00:07:07] So it's coming out in March of 2025 and it'll be everywhere, you know, bookstores, all the places you get books.

[00:07:16] Yeah, it's great.

[00:07:17] I'm recording an audio book so you can get an audio version if you want to hear me read it.

[00:07:22] I mean.

[00:07:24] I love it.

[00:07:26] Oh, I'm so excited.

[00:07:27] So we'll be talking again in March because we got to promote the book.

[00:07:32] It's so funny because when I was like, oh God, Francesca is coming on.

[00:07:36] Like, what do I want to talk to you about?

[00:07:38] And I love how we're just in sync and in line without being in sync and in line.

[00:07:44] Because I feel like when you were talking about that TED Talk and you were saying like, oh, when something happens or you reach these accomplishments, you feel like, oh, I'm going to be so much better all my life.

[00:07:54] And then you realize it's just you.

[00:07:56] I feel so, I feel like that's at a place in my life where I'm at.

[00:08:01] I feel like one of the first times we talked, we talked about this apple orchard.

[00:08:07] I was just thinking about the orchard.

[00:08:10] Okay.

[00:08:10] We talked about an apple orchard.

[00:08:13] And I remember your advice to me from that was essentially like, grow your own orchard, you know, nurture your own trees.

[00:08:21] And that's something that like has stuck with me forever.

[00:08:25] And here I am four years later.

[00:08:29] Girl, I got an apple orchard.

[00:08:31] Okay.

[00:08:31] Like, you know, I'm so proud of you.

[00:08:34] And you are killing it.

[00:08:36] Thank you.

[00:08:36] I appreciate that.

[00:08:37] But sometimes, Francesca, I look around and I'm like, do I like apples?

[00:08:47] You know, do I eat apples?

[00:08:51] You know, and it's like I've worked for these things and, you know, so much, so many blessings.

[00:09:00] And it's not for me to be ungrateful, but sometimes I feel like I'm at a point in my life of like, well, girl, what's next?

[00:09:07] What are we doing?

[00:09:08] And I find myself stuck where it's like I've worked so hard for this apple orchard.

[00:09:15] I am literally out here every day watering the trees, picking the apples and doing all of the things.

[00:09:22] And sometimes, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but it's like sometimes doing all of the things of these things of the things that I wanted, I feel like it's taking away from the Bryce that is now.

[00:09:35] Mm-hmm.

[00:09:36] Mm-hmm.

[00:09:37] And it's such a weird place because it's like, you know, you want growth, but you also want to maintain the things that you have built.

[00:09:46] But sometimes maybe a part of growth is letting things go.

[00:09:51] And I don't know what you're about to say, but I'm scared.

[00:09:55] I feel like you just said it.

[00:09:58] I mean, you already know.

[00:10:01] You already know.

[00:10:02] You already know it's time for what's next.

[00:10:04] And it's time.

[00:10:06] I think, look, I think this is something that I have learned so viscerally this year, which is that your life is always speaking to you.

[00:10:20] And when you know when something, you're like, yep, it's time.

[00:10:24] This was great.

[00:10:25] It had its moment.

[00:10:27] It had its season.

[00:10:27] But, you know, maybe now I want a lemon grove.

[00:10:31] Maybe now I want a diamond mine.

[00:10:35] Maybe now.

[00:10:36] Like, you know, and but you have to honor that because I think we get so conditioned to think that you're supposed to, you know, stay on the same track and keep at it.

[00:10:46] And now you've built this amazing thing.

[00:10:48] And so you just got to keep going.

[00:10:49] You got to keep going.

[00:10:49] No, like this is your life.

[00:10:51] Like if you are hearing and you are, you're like, I'm proud.

[00:10:55] I'm so glad I did this.

[00:10:57] And also I'm ready for what's next.

[00:11:00] Like you got you have to listen to that.

[00:11:01] So my question for you is, do you feel like you have a sense of what's next?

[00:11:07] Are you in a place of exploration where you're just now accepting like, OK, I'm ready for the next level, the next chapter.

[00:11:15] And now I need to let like let let myself discover what that is.

[00:11:21] I think I am at a place where I am coming to the realization that the things that used to fulfill me don't fulfill me anymore.

[00:11:33] And I think that that's just like a battle within because it's like, again, you're so grateful.

[00:11:38] You're so proud.

[00:11:39] But also it's like, you know, you don't get resentful, but like you're just like you're doing all of these things of the things of the things of the things of the things.

[00:11:47] And it's like, I don't know, you don't feel complete inside.

[00:11:51] So I feel like I'm at that stage where it's like, what else is next?

[00:11:56] You know, what else is beyond this apple orchard?

[00:12:00] Yeah.

[00:12:00] I mean, I think there's levels to kind of figure that out.

[00:12:03] Right.

[00:12:03] Because some of it might be it's not that you maybe don't want an apple orchard, but maybe you don't want to be the farmer.

[00:12:12] So maybe it's time to revisit how you are tending to your apples.

[00:12:17] Right.

[00:12:18] And so maybe it's time to say, all right, well, I know how to do everything, but I'm not I'm not interested in doing everything anymore.

[00:12:25] Right.

[00:12:25] So for this to continue, I need to have I need to get some farm hands.

[00:12:35] I need to I need to, you know, I need to investigate some production methods that do not require my labor, you know, because I think that's the thing.

[00:12:44] It's like we work so hard for things.

[00:12:46] And so we're used to just grinding and doing.

[00:12:50] And it's like at some point you're like, wait a second.

[00:12:53] I'm just working hard to keep working hard.

[00:12:59] Like at some point, this should be getting easier.

[00:13:01] At some point, this should be feeling different.

[00:13:03] At some point I should be like, are you familiar with the concept of your zone of genius?

[00:13:08] I'm not, but in life.

[00:13:10] OK, so there is this great book.

[00:13:13] It's called The Big Leap.

[00:13:15] The author's name is Gay Hendricks.

[00:13:18] And one of the like one of the main concepts in the book is this idea of your zone of genius.

[00:13:24] And that everybody has a zone of genius.

[00:13:27] And your zone of genius is when you are doing something that just lights you up.

[00:13:33] You know, you it's just it is just the perfect match of like your interests and your skills and what you do really brilliantly.

[00:13:42] And for a lot of people.

[00:13:43] So he goes in the book.

[00:13:45] There's like a zone.

[00:13:46] So the zone of genius, that's the goal.

[00:13:48] Then there's a zone of excellence.

[00:13:51] And then there's a zone of competence.

[00:13:54] And then there's a zone of incompetence.

[00:13:58] And a lot of times when we are like the, you know, ambitious people who are pushing forward in our lives and we're building things, we can get really stuck in the zones of competence and excellence.

[00:14:15] Because you can do it like, yeah, I can do it.

[00:14:18] I can do it.

[00:14:19] I can even do it well.

[00:14:20] Right.

[00:14:21] But are you giving yourself permission to actually discover?

[00:14:24] But what is the thing that only I can do that I actually love doing?

[00:14:29] And how can I everything else that I do?

[00:14:32] Excellent, competent or incompetent.

[00:14:38] I just there's a lot.

[00:14:40] There's a lot.

[00:14:41] Right.

[00:14:41] Like, like, like I have a I have an accountant and a bookkeeper because I am incompetent at keeping my own books.

[00:14:49] For instance, I just am, you know.

[00:14:52] And so I have, you know, an assistant who helps me with a lot of stuff on the back end because I can do it.

[00:14:59] I'm competent at it, but I don't enjoy it.

[00:15:03] And it's her zone of genius.

[00:15:06] You know, and so it's like we have to think about like, OK, where am I?

[00:15:10] You have one precious life.

[00:15:12] You have one as far as we know.

[00:15:13] I mean, you're going to be reincarnated, but you're not going to be Bryce again.

[00:15:17] Right.

[00:15:18] And so what are you here to do on this planet?

[00:15:22] And what like what feels good to you is that's half the answer right there.

[00:15:29] You know, so I would say that's the first part is just like, OK, what am I doing that I don't need to be doing anymore?

[00:15:38] Right.

[00:15:40] And so I think and I don't know if it's maybe like how I was raised, but that step for me is so hard because I look at all of the things that I have created and that I'm doing.

[00:15:51] I look at them like my children, like my babies.

[00:15:53] And it's like I don't want nobody else breastfeeding my baby like, you know, I don't want.

[00:15:59] Baby doesn't need to be breastfed when they're 22.

[00:16:02] I mean, well, that's true.

[00:16:07] And so it's just it's so hard for me because it's like, I don't know.

[00:16:11] And maybe it's letting go and maybe and maybe we're just getting back to maybe the fear of unknown, the fear of life, you know.

[00:16:19] And I feel like every time we talk, it's the that imposter syndrome that like, you know, well, maybe what I created was a fluke.

[00:16:27] And maybe like, you know, and so it's really, I guess, y'all see why I don't be liking to talk to Francesca.

[00:16:34] I don't know how, girl, how we get here, how we got here.

[00:16:37] But it's that feeling of like sometimes, again, not knowing yourself worth and like, you know yourself worth.

[00:16:44] But sometimes when it's time for you to bet on yourself, whoo, it gets scary.

[00:16:51] Yeah, it does.

[00:16:52] I mean, if it was easy, everyone would do it.

[00:16:54] And hardly anyone does.

[00:16:56] Right.

[00:16:57] But but you've already done it.

[00:16:59] You've done so many hard things.

[00:17:02] And so you have to give yourself that credit.

[00:17:04] Like I say this all the time to my clients.

[00:17:07] It's like the only way that we build confidence is by doing something hard and then giving ourselves credit for doing it.

[00:17:13] You have to acknowledge that you did it.

[00:17:15] And so often we're so busy doing hard things and then just jumping on to the next that we we don't ever get the benefit of like, oh, I can handle this.

[00:17:26] I can handle a new challenge.

[00:17:27] I can handle a new orchard because, yeah, I don't know what it's going to be.

[00:17:30] But I know that I can figure it out because I know that I figured out every other thing up until now.

[00:17:35] Right.

[00:17:35] And so I think like self-worth is absolutely important.

[00:17:38] And I talk about it a lot.

[00:17:40] But I also am kind of at the place where like.

[00:17:45] Like every we all have self-worth issues.

[00:17:49] This we have a self-worth crisis in our culture.

[00:17:52] We're all raised to think that we're not good enough unless we have this, unless we have that.

[00:17:56] We got to look the certain way.

[00:17:57] We have to have certain things like it is a sickness that has infected the whole world.

[00:18:03] Right.

[00:18:03] So the fact that we all have challenges feeling fully worthy just within ourselves as we are is just like part of the human condition, frankly.

[00:18:14] And I think sometimes we can get too stuck there because the fact of the matter is like, even if you don't always feel 100 percent worthy, like intellectually, you know, you are.

[00:18:26] Right.

[00:18:27] And so you can just be like, I can just take the high self-worth action.

[00:18:32] Even if I don't feel it.

[00:18:34] You know what I'm saying?

[00:18:36] It's like it's like in a relationship.

[00:18:37] If you if you if you're dating somebody and you're like, wow, this person is really not treating me well.

[00:18:44] Or they're really not showing up or they're really inconsistent.

[00:18:46] But I really like them and I really want it to work out.

[00:18:49] And I really.

[00:18:49] And so you have this emotional attachment, but you're still that you're struggling in the relationship.

[00:18:55] Like in that situation, you might feel like you want to keep going with this person, but you also have the choice to be like, well, if I truly believed that I was worthy of having a partner who's excited, who's committed, who, you know, we're building something together.

[00:19:11] We're on the same page.

[00:19:12] What would I do?

[00:19:14] Well, I guess I would stop dating this person.

[00:19:17] Right. And so you can stop dating that person, even though you're like, damn it, I want to still date this person, you know, because because you realize you're like the only way I'm ever going to feel differently is by taking different actions.

[00:19:32] So I think we kind of get stuck because we're like we want to feel worthy and then we'll take the worthy action.

[00:19:37] Then we'll take the risk.

[00:19:38] Then we'll bet on ourselves.

[00:19:39] But it's like you can just bet on yourself and be gentle with yourself and just give yourself that encouragement and know that, like, you're going to figure it out and your feelings will catch up.

[00:19:51] You know, so I would encourage you, Bryce, to reflect on all the ways in which you've grown and all the things that you have built and how like how would Bryce five years ago, 10 years ago, 20 years ago?

[00:20:06] Like, what would what would little Bryce say right now?

[00:20:09] Be like, oh, my God.

[00:20:10] Like, how did you do that?

[00:20:13] Right.

[00:20:14] Yes.

[00:20:16] Big Bryce will say it, too.

[00:20:19] How did we get here?

[00:20:21] How did we get here?

[00:20:22] But you did that.

[00:20:23] Right.

[00:20:24] And so you just have to know that just as you did that and you didn't you couldn't if anybody said to you 10 years ago, OK, how are you going to build this orchard?

[00:20:32] You would have been like, oh, but you figured it out.

[00:20:43] And that's what the next thing is going to be, too.

[00:20:45] You know, and that's how it just keeps going.

[00:20:47] And that's what I realized.

[00:20:48] Like, I'm about to I'm going to be 50 in November.

[00:20:50] So you got to listen to me.

[00:20:52] I am half a century old.

[00:20:56] OK, looking like you 24.

[00:20:57] But that's that's a different conversation for a different day.

[00:21:00] You're going to have to drop the skin care routine at some point in time.

[00:21:07] And that's just what I realized.

[00:21:08] I'm like every chapter is just like, all right, here we go.

[00:21:13] I don't know how this is going to turn out, but, you know, but but you're going to figure it out.

[00:21:18] You're going to figure it out.

[00:21:21] I receive that.

[00:21:22] OK, because first, you know, first of all, I got to receive it.

[00:21:24] I receive that so much.

[00:21:29] The next thing, I guess, that comes with these loaded questions that I have for you.

[00:21:34] And again, because before you before when we agreed to this, like last week, I did my due diligence.

[00:21:41] I listened to all of our podcasts because I was like, oh, this is so fun.

[00:21:45] And the crazy thing about each podcast that we have done, Franny, it's like they're all the same, the same.

[00:21:52] And it's like I'm coming to you with like a different variation of a scenario.

[00:22:00] And it it just really kind of was like mind blowing for me to like listen back to like three episodes over the last three years and be like, wow, like I'm asking different questions.

[00:22:09] But it's like the first question and then it's like the subsection of the second question the next year.

[00:22:15] And so, of course, I've had to keep the tradition with these questions.

[00:22:19] And I feel like it kind of goes into like friendship, right, where it is such a delicate thing for me because I, you know, for me, I live by my friendships, right?

[00:22:31] Like I take friendships so deeply, right?

[00:22:35] Haven't been in a serious, like long term committed, like relationship as an adult.

[00:22:41] So I think that sometimes romantic, romantic, romantic.

[00:22:45] Yes.

[00:22:45] Yes.

[00:22:47] We've had non-serious, but not serious.

[00:22:49] And, you know, I've also given myself grace to be like, I'm not on the timeline.

[00:22:55] Yes.

[00:22:56] When he come, he gonna come.

[00:22:58] Now, if I'm 78 and a nurse at home and he happened to wheel his way in, then guess what?

[00:23:03] Wheel on over, right?

[00:23:04] I think that I have given myself permission over the years to be like, okay, let's let go of this timeline, right?

[00:23:12] Whenever it happens, it's going to happen.

[00:23:15] But for me, like friendships are so special to me because I just love like supporting friends, having the support of, it's like family.

[00:23:24] And I find, or me maturing is realizing that some friendships that I have don't always allow me to be the Bryce that I am today.

[00:23:42] I say I'm on a journey to a better Bryce.

[00:23:45] And I can admit, yes, I have been petty in the past.

[00:23:49] Yes, I've been a little shady in the past.

[00:23:52] You know, like, you know, we all got a history.

[00:23:54] We all know.

[00:23:56] We've all been there.

[00:23:58] And I have like two dilemmas where there is a set of like some people in my life where I constantly feel like I am doing work to prove that like, well, if I missed your call, why is the first thing that comes to your mind?

[00:24:19] And is that like, I'm intentionally ignoring you or something, right?

[00:24:23] Where it's like, I'm constantly like having to make up for adolescent Bryce.

[00:24:30] And then, so there's that set of a group of friends that I have.

[00:24:34] And then there's this other set of group of friends that I have that, and again, I'm honest, that I feel like I'm an enabler to in the sense of like, I don't have any children.

[00:24:48] Like, you know, all I got is an apple orchard.

[00:24:50] And I feel like there are just some friends in my life that like, why do I have to, like, we planning a trip.

[00:25:02] But why can't you take the lead in planning the trip?

[00:25:06] We're like, I don't know.

[00:25:07] There's just, there's this sense of, oh, I'm so grateful that you're my friend.

[00:25:13] So let me do this.

[00:25:14] And it's like, actually like, well, it's like, well, if we're friends, we should be meeting in the middle.

[00:25:20] And I don't want to always have to baby a friend.

[00:25:23] And that's such a fine line for me because, Franny, I know myself.

[00:25:27] And I know sometimes I can be a needy friend.

[00:25:30] Sometimes like, I want someone to baby me a little bit.

[00:25:32] And so I'm always keeping that in mind when I'm dealing with said set of friends.

[00:25:38] But at the same time, I am like, when are you ever going to show up for me how I'm showing up for you continuously?

[00:25:51] And another common theme, if you haven't noticed from the orchard to this, is that like, maybe for me, like the length of friendship or the length of time, it's like a badge of honor, right?

[00:26:04] Like, and so it's like, I never really want to like break a contract.

[00:26:08] I never really want to, you know, my job pays me every other week because guess what?

[00:26:13] I show up.

[00:26:14] Like, I clock in.

[00:26:15] I do the work.

[00:26:16] And so I think it's so hard for me to possibly think of ending something.

[00:26:23] But I can recognize that I don't really love the course that we're on.

[00:26:29] And then sometimes when I don't love the course that maybe I'm on with said set of friends, right, then I'm finding myself reverting back to the shady Bryce where it's like, actually, I am actually not picking up your call.

[00:26:42] Or I am going out of my way to do things because it's like, you don't ever pick up the tab when we go out.

[00:26:49] So like, why am I like, you know, and so then it's like, oh, I'm reverting back to this other Bryce, but not intentionally, but I'm struggling.

[00:27:00] Yeah.

[00:27:01] Yes.

[00:27:02] I listen, I totally hear you.

[00:27:06] And again, with age.

[00:27:16] I think number one, it's time for you to get some new friends.

[00:27:20] No, seriously, because you need new friends for your new level because you can't.

[00:27:26] And this is not to say, I know that you love your friends and don't come for me.

[00:27:31] Bryce is friends.

[00:27:32] I'm like, sure.

[00:27:39] Are you sure you have your friends are wonderful people and you, you love them for a reason, right?

[00:27:45] However, you cannot underestimate how much your, the circle of people that you're in is influencing everything that you do in your life.

[00:27:57] And, and that includes your ability to expand into another, into another level.

[00:28:02] I mean, I, so, okay.

[00:28:04] I just moved back to New York.

[00:28:06] Long story.

[00:28:07] But when I, when I moved to LA, back to LA, cause I have lived there twice now in 2017, a big part of why I did it is as much as I love, cause I'm from New York.

[00:28:21] So this is home.

[00:28:22] I love my people.

[00:28:24] I love my oldest friends like you.

[00:28:26] I'm like, I, it is a badge of honor that I've had, you know, like my, I've been friends with my best friend for 36 years and she's not even my oldest friend.

[00:28:35] You know what I'm saying?

[00:28:36] Like I, like I, so I get that.

[00:28:40] But I also was like, as much as I love my friends, I am, I, I knew intuitively that I was not expanding into my next level because I was too comfortable and I was too entrenched in these old dynamics.

[00:28:58] And I was like, if I stay here, I'm going to stay single.

[00:29:03] I'm not going to grow my business the way that I, like, I just knew that about myself.

[00:29:07] And so I had to go to LA because that was my way of, you know, breaking out of that mold, breaking out this dynamics, meeting new people who are at my level.

[00:29:18] Right.

[00:29:19] And at the level I want to be, you know what I'm saying?

[00:29:21] So it's not about, it's not about being like, you know, to hell with them.

[00:29:24] I still love all my friends.

[00:29:26] We're still friends, you know, but relationships evolve and sometimes you might need a break.

[00:29:32] Right.

[00:29:33] And when you see things aren't working, when you're like, wait, I'm the one who's putting in all the effort here.

[00:29:37] I'm the one who's picking up the tab every time we go out.

[00:29:41] Like, how is that fair to you?

[00:29:43] How is that?

[00:29:44] That's not balanced.

[00:29:45] Right.

[00:29:46] And so for your friends, that works great for them.

[00:29:49] Why not?

[00:29:50] Right.

[00:29:51] But you, this is again about like that self-worth, like you deserve to have balanced friendships.

[00:29:57] It doesn't mean obviously sometimes, like you said, sometimes you need to be baby.

[00:30:00] Sometimes I need to be baby.

[00:30:02] Sometimes your friend needs to be baby.

[00:30:04] Like we take turns.

[00:30:05] But if you are feeling overall, like this, this is, this is not balanced.

[00:30:11] Like I am the one who was putting in the work and you're feeling taken advantage of and you're feeling taken for granted.

[00:30:17] Like why?

[00:30:19] Like that's not, that's not fair to you.

[00:30:21] Right.

[00:30:22] And so.

[00:30:24] I know we're talking about friendship, but it's the same thing with romantic relationships too, which is like just holding a higher standard for how people treat you.

[00:30:35] And when you hold that higher standard, like people, not, not everybody can rise to it.

[00:30:41] Okay.

[00:30:41] But there are always new people who can come there, come in and meet you there.

[00:30:46] So I get it.

[00:30:47] I mean, there's some people who I would have, if you had asked me, you know, 10 years ago, are you going to be friends with this person forever?

[00:30:54] I'd be like, absolutely.

[00:30:56] And guess what?

[00:30:58] We're not friends anymore.

[00:31:02] And it's not, and I don't, and I don't wish anybody ill.

[00:31:06] It's nothing like that.

[00:31:06] It's just like, yeah, I could see this person is literally like, you know, I call it the narcissism of the insecure, you know, because when people are very insecure, they, they're very narcissistic.

[00:31:21] Everything is about them.

[00:31:22] Everything's about them.

[00:31:23] Again, you don't answer the phone.

[00:31:24] It's about them.

[00:31:25] It's like, there's a million things going on in my life right now.

[00:31:30] I'm out here in this apple orchard.

[00:31:33] You know what I'm saying?

[00:31:34] Like, I got all sorts of apples.

[00:31:36] I got a tip.

[00:31:36] Like, what are you talking, like, you know, but, but like when people think it's all about them, that self-centeredness is coming from a place of deep, deep insecurity.

[00:31:45] And I have empathy for that, but it's also not my job to try to fill that hole for you because I can't.

[00:32:21] Right.

[00:32:22] I'm also scared because, again, in full transparency, right?

[00:32:26] I feel like the flip of the coin.

[00:32:29] I feel like in some of my friendships, I could be that friend, not in all of the same attributes, but I also feel like maybe there are some friends that I feel like, oh, we're just like we're, we're pulling apart.

[00:32:41] Like, we're, we're growing apart.

[00:32:43] And for me, I'm like, oh, we got to try to keep it the same.

[00:32:45] And again, maybe that friend is going through a phase in their life where they're leveling up.

[00:32:51] And I have to respect that.

[00:32:54] But it's hard because it's like, again, friendships for me are like a badge of honor.

[00:32:58] And it's like, I want all my friends to be great.

[00:32:59] But I also like when everyone to come over and sleep over on Thursdays and watch, you know, Dawson's Creek.

[00:33:06] And like, just, I don't know.

[00:33:10] Change is scary.

[00:33:12] I know it is, but it's, it is inevitable.

[00:33:17] And we can change, like, in life, like we can grow from love or we can grow from pain.

[00:33:26] Okay.

[00:33:27] And a lot of times we grow from pain because we're not able to choose the loving path.

[00:33:33] Right.

[00:33:34] And the loving path is to love yourself, to say, you know what, this, this dynamic isn't working for me.

[00:33:40] And it's not to say, you know, you can't have a conversation with a friend and that things can't shift, but overall, you still know, like there's a mindset.

[00:33:49] There is an approach.

[00:33:50] There's a perspective to life that people have.

[00:33:54] And if you're surrounding yourself with a lot of people who have a perspective and an approach to life that you're like, that's not actually how I want to live my life or not how I want to live my life anymore.

[00:34:08] It's not about judging them, but it is understanding, like, if I want more, if I want more for myself, I also have to, I have, it, it has to start with my relationships, you know?

[00:34:24] And so, and it doesn't mean sometimes you come back together.

[00:34:27] I just saw a friend, you know, cause I'm back in New York.

[00:34:30] I saw a friend last week who's someone who we have a lot of mutual friends and that's why we're connected and we've been connected for many years.

[00:34:39] This person was never my favorite person.

[00:34:42] Like I just always, it was one of those things, like if we didn't have all these mutual friends, like, you know, but I've been gone for a long time.

[00:34:51] This person also moved away for a long time.

[00:34:53] So we both come back, you know, I hadn't seen them in years and years and I was like, oh, like we've, I'm not saying that we're best friends now, but like we both grown in ways that are actually like make us much more compatible as friends now than we were 10 years ago.

[00:35:11] You know, and, and that happens too.

[00:35:14] So sometimes it's not even, it's about, it's not even necessarily like I'm moving on.

[00:35:20] And so like, you know, fuck all y'all, like later losers.

[00:35:26] But I, but I also want to say this though, cause I think this is important.

[00:35:29] And I say this always in the context of dating, but it absolutely applies to friendships and everything.

[00:35:34] Um, which is whatever is in your highest good is in everyone else's highest good as well, even if they don't know it.

[00:35:44] Okay.

[00:35:45] So like you said, you're like, you said, you feel like you enable some people.

[00:35:50] Is it in their highest good to be enabled in their dysfunction?

[00:35:56] Not at all.

[00:35:57] It's not right.

[00:35:59] Right.

[00:36:00] And is it in your highest good to be the enabler of their dysfunction?

[00:36:06] Not at all.

[00:36:08] Not at all.

[00:36:09] Right.

[00:36:09] And so when you can see that, it's like, this is not an either of our highest good.

[00:36:15] Now they are going to have a different opinion.

[00:36:18] Okay.

[00:36:19] Because one of the things that you have in common is that you don't want things to change.

[00:36:26] So if it, if it's up to them, things are not going to change.

[00:36:31] It is going to stay this way, you know, but you have a different level of awareness.

[00:36:36] So you're like, wait, but I actually want this to change.

[00:36:39] So I have to accept the fact that change is the only, look, it's the only way things are going to change is if they change.

[00:36:48] And in relationships, there will always be a breaking point when you have these frustrations and you're holding on to, you know, you're holding on to those frustrations.

[00:36:59] There's going to be a breaking point.

[00:37:01] Right.

[00:37:02] So that's what I'm saying.

[00:37:03] It's like, do you want to, do you want to grow from love where it's like, I'm choosing what's in our highest good.

[00:37:10] And even if you don't see it right now, that's just, I pray, I pray for you.

[00:37:16] Right.

[00:37:16] That's your journey.

[00:37:19] Or are you going to wait until it's a breaking point and now it's a falling out and now there's anger.

[00:37:24] And now you have all this resentment and you have all this regret and then, and then they have the nerve to be angry and resentful towards you.

[00:37:31] And you're like, I done did this, that doesn't matter.

[00:37:35] Right.

[00:37:36] The narcissism of the insecure, they're always going to make it about themselves.

[00:37:41] Um, I mean, I will tell you that, um, this is the first time I'm publicly saying this.

[00:37:49] Um, but I broke up with my boyfriend this summer.

[00:37:56] And it was a really hard thing to do because I love him and he's a wonderful person.

[00:38:02] But at the same time, I had to recognize like, there's, this is not, I would be lying to myself to say that this is my forever relationship.

[00:38:16] And this is the ideal dynamic that I want to have for the rest of my life.

[00:38:20] Like, I just don't.

[00:38:22] And so it wasn't easy.

[00:38:24] He's not happy.

[00:38:26] There's a lot of trauma.

[00:38:28] That's why I'm back in New York right now.

[00:38:30] Cause I had to move out of our place in LA.

[00:38:34] And, um, you know, like I said, there's a lot of things going on, but it's all good.

[00:38:38] But I understand like, one of the things I had to face really head on this summer was the fact that

[00:38:46] I've always had this fear of disappointing people.

[00:38:51] And I know you do too.

[00:38:53] Right.

[00:38:54] Yeah.

[00:38:55] And just this story of like, well, if I do this, it's going to disappoint someone.

[00:38:59] And I realized this summer, I was like, oh, I got to let that go.

[00:39:02] I got to let it go.

[00:39:04] I just got to let it go.

[00:39:05] If somebody is disappointed, that's their journey.

[00:39:09] Guess what?

[00:39:09] I've been disappointed.

[00:39:11] I'm still standing.

[00:39:14] You've been disappointed.

[00:39:16] You're still standing.

[00:39:18] Right.

[00:39:18] And so disappointment is a part of life and we can't live our lives for other people.

[00:39:23] We can only live our lives for ourself.

[00:39:25] That's your job.

[00:39:26] You know?

[00:39:27] What's some advice that you could offer to someone listening that is stuck in those trends

[00:39:34] of like, I can't disappoint or someone that's stuck in that like narcissistic way of like,

[00:39:40] it's all about me.

[00:39:41] And I always think from a positive place, like, right.

[00:39:45] I don't think people are narcissistic because like they want to be narcissistic.

[00:39:50] Right.

[00:39:50] Like, I feel like their life path has like, you know, maybe hardened them or maybe like,

[00:39:57] you know, so I always have compassion, but like, if you are offering advice to someone

[00:40:03] that may be stuck in that like narcissistic way or like they don't want to disappoint people,

[00:40:08] what are like some steps that they could take to like first recognize that like,

[00:40:12] oh, wait a minute.

[00:40:15] You're right.

[00:40:17] California had an earthquake the other day.

[00:40:19] Maybe that's the reason, like, you know what I mean?

[00:40:20] Like, how can they realize that it's like, wow, maybe.

[00:40:25] Or how do we hold the mirror up to them?

[00:40:27] Yeah.

[00:40:27] Or to ourselves?

[00:40:28] Well, yeah, I think it's got to be to ourselves.

[00:40:30] Right.

[00:40:30] And so, I mean, I encourage everyone to have humility.

[00:40:36] To know that like, okay, maybe.

[00:40:41] If I think everything is everyone else's fault.

[00:40:45] Maybe I'm wrong.

[00:40:46] Maybe I'm wrong.

[00:40:47] Right.

[00:40:48] Maybe I am half of the equation here because you are.

[00:40:52] Right.

[00:40:52] We're always half of the equation.

[00:40:54] Even if somebody is terribly mistreating you.

[00:40:57] It's not that you deserve it.

[00:40:59] But if you were still in relationship with that person, you're, you're half of the equation.

[00:41:04] If you weren't there.

[00:41:06] Right.

[00:41:09] If you were doing what they were doing would be irrelevant to you.

[00:41:12] Right.

[00:41:12] And so just having the humility and the self-compassion to understand, like, like you're very empathetic.

[00:41:18] And I am too.

[00:41:19] And for a long time, there were a lot of people that I, I did baby.

[00:41:22] I babied a lot of friends because I understood.

[00:41:25] I'm like, I understood they had a really, you know, difficult childhood.

[00:41:31] I understood that they never got the love that they needed.

[00:41:34] I understood that they didn't like, I, you know, cause when you can see that about people, it can make you then be like, well, now I'm going to give this person a million chances.

[00:41:41] And I'm going to, you know, be that person for them.

[00:41:45] But everyone needs to realize like what happened, you know, from ages zero to seven is part of who you are.

[00:41:56] And if you didn't feel loved, if you didn't feel seen, if you didn't feel safe, if you didn't feel accepted for who you are, like all of that is part of what's coming up in your relationships.

[00:42:06] So you got to like have the, the self-compassion to recognize that you have to have the humility to be like, okay, well, um, yeah, I guess I do take everything really personally.

[00:42:20] Right.

[00:42:20] If somebody doesn't text me back right away, I do create a whole story about it.

[00:42:26] What if that story isn't even true?

[00:42:28] Right.

[00:42:29] What if actually they're living their lives just like I'm living my life and they've got other things going on.

[00:42:35] But also what if I don't need them to respond in five seconds?

[00:42:38] Right.

[00:42:38] What do I really need?

[00:42:39] What I really need is to feel okay.

[00:42:41] What I really need is to feel loved.

[00:42:43] What I really need is to feel safe, to feel seen.

[00:42:45] And if you don't have that sense of that, then it's your number one job and assignment is to give that to yourself.

[00:42:55] So in all of our relationships, friendships, family, romantic, everything, we're always going to take the blueprint of how we feel about ourselves and we are going to imprint it on the other person.

[00:43:07] Always.

[00:43:08] Always.

[00:43:18] So if you don't think you're good enough, then you're going to see everyone in the world is not seeing you as good enough.

[00:43:25] Okay.

[00:43:25] Like that's just how it works.

[00:43:29] Francesca, that's a word.

[00:43:31] That like.

[00:43:38] Francesca, I knew we was going to be talking this morning, but it's like you never cease to amaze me like that.

[00:43:42] Sorry.

[00:43:44] That's a word, Francesca.

[00:43:47] It's true.

[00:43:49] It's true.

[00:43:50] And I, and I, I learned this back.

[00:43:52] So when I started matchmaking, this is when I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, wait a second.

[00:43:58] Because you have a client, you set them up with a dozen people and the same shit happens with every person.

[00:44:06] And I get the same feedback from every person I introduced you to.

[00:44:11] And I had people say to me, well, that's their problem.

[00:44:13] That's not mine.

[00:44:13] I'm like, no, honey, that is your problem.

[00:44:16] It's not an anomalous situation.

[00:44:21] Right?

[00:44:22] Like this is your, this is your response.

[00:44:25] It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to deal with it.

[00:44:28] Right.

[00:44:28] And so.

[00:44:30] We have to understand that when we're trying to make everything, even in a good way, even when you're like, this person is the greatest and they can't do any wrong.

[00:44:41] And like, that's not about that person.

[00:44:42] That's about you.

[00:44:44] Right.

[00:44:45] Like if that person is the worst thing in the world, that's not actually about that person.

[00:44:49] That's about you.

[00:44:50] You, your reactions to everyone that you were interacting with in your life are stemming from you and your blueprint.

[00:44:58] Okay.

[00:44:59] So once the print starts changing, then the relationships start changing.

[00:45:08] And once you start feeling more able to give yourself love and give yourself encouragement and give yourself validation, the less you're now putting that on everybody else.

[00:45:19] Like it's your job to make me feel good.

[00:45:21] So your relationships get better, right?

[00:45:27] Because your relationship with yourself has gotten better.

[00:45:30] So my advice is for everybody to be very compassionately curious, because if you, if you judge yourself and you shame yourself for what you are struggling with or any blind spots that you might have, it does not help.

[00:45:45] It will only keep you stuck there.

[00:45:47] So if you actually want to move on, you have to be kind to yourself.

[00:45:51] You have to just be like, all right, there's something going on here in my relationships.

[00:45:56] I can feel that I'm making everything about me.

[00:45:59] I can feel like, you know, maybe I'm pushing people away.

[00:46:03] Maybe I don't understand why people don't want to, don't want to, you know, hang around.

[00:46:07] I've been saying it's because I'm not good enough.

[00:46:09] What if that's not true?

[00:46:11] Because any story that we have that it's about us not being good enough is never true.

[00:46:16] Now, you may not be a good enough friend to have the level of friendships that you need, but that's skills.

[00:46:23] So you can get there.

[00:46:24] It's not a matter of your inherent worthiness.

[00:46:27] But in order to start to grow in those ways, you have to, you have to be willing to look at yourself with kindness, with compassion, with curiosity.

[00:46:35] Instead of saying like, oh, isn't that interesting?

[00:46:38] Because some, I mean, I had a friend, one of these friends who I babied for years.

[00:46:43] And when our relationship imploded, you know, she accused me of being a terrible friend and this and that and all the other things.

[00:46:50] And I was just like, I didn't say this because I'm not, you know, I didn't want to be cruel.

[00:46:54] But like this person did not have a lot of friends.

[00:46:59] And the relationships that she mostly had were very surface.

[00:47:05] And she had difficulty making friends.

[00:47:07] That was one of the reasons why I was her friend because I was like, she don't got any friends, you know.

[00:47:14] But it got to a point where I was like, well, this is why you don't have any friends, you know.

[00:47:19] And, but to her, I was the villain.

[00:47:21] And I'm like, but she could just have the self-awareness to be like, wait a second.

[00:47:26] Franny actually seems to have a lot of friends.

[00:47:28] And I don't have any.

[00:47:30] So maybe without judging, it's not about comparison, but it's just about, because I've had to say this about myself too.

[00:47:36] I've had to be like, wait a second, I have this problem.

[00:47:39] But these other people don't seem to be having this problem.

[00:47:42] So what's, maybe there's something more going on here.

[00:47:44] So it's not about we're better than everyone at all.

[00:47:47] Okay.

[00:47:49] We all take our turn being the clueless one, being the one who's acting out of our trauma or our conditioning.

[00:47:57] We all have our, we all take our turn doing that.

[00:47:59] Okay.

[00:48:01] But overall, you need to look at what are the patterns and the dynamics in your life and start taking responsibility.

[00:48:07] And by doing that, that's how you change them.

[00:48:10] But it starts with that awareness, you know.

[00:48:13] Whew.

[00:48:14] Absolutely.

[00:48:17] That's the left.

[00:48:19] You know.

[00:48:19] But I'm sure for the listeners out there, it's a lot for them to process.

[00:48:23] I know.

[00:48:23] I'm sorry.

[00:48:24] It's a lot.

[00:48:24] It's a lot.

[00:48:25] It's a lot.

[00:48:26] Girl, I'm the listener.

[00:48:26] Here's a shortcut.

[00:48:28] Just be kinder to yourself.

[00:48:31] Mm.

[00:48:31] Be kinder to yourself.

[00:48:34] And understand that your assignment on this planet is to live truly, authentically as yourself.

[00:48:43] That's your assignment.

[00:48:45] But you have to understand, well, who is my true self?

[00:48:47] Because maybe you've never even given yourself a chance to figure that out.

[00:48:51] It's not your fault.

[00:48:53] Right?

[00:48:54] Light came at you.

[00:48:55] Right?

[00:48:56] But now it's like, okay, maybe it's time for me to actually get to know myself.

[00:49:00] Because then if I get to know myself, then I know what being true to myself actually looks like.

[00:49:06] And once you do that, then it's like the people who are drawn into your life are so compatible.

[00:49:11] Like, the number of new people that I have manifested in my life this year and how I'm in awe.

[00:49:22] I'm in awe.

[00:49:23] I'm like, wow, universe.

[00:49:25] Like, you sent me all these incredible people.

[00:49:30] And it makes me feel so good.

[00:49:32] Not just because I get to have them in my life, but also because it's like, oh, yeah, I've done some work.

[00:49:37] Because this is an up level.

[00:49:41] Right?

[00:49:41] In a lot of ways.

[00:49:43] And so, but that's what happens.

[00:49:45] It's like you grow and then your life just starts to transform as a result of that, you know?

[00:49:52] So the change that you're afraid of is also the key to you actually, like, getting everything that you want.

[00:50:01] I agree with that so much.

[00:50:03] It makes me think of random story.

[00:50:05] But, like, me maturing is realizing that, like, I am getting old.

[00:50:13] And it's okay if you like to do older.

[00:50:17] Older.

[00:50:17] Older.

[00:50:18] But, and it's okay if you like to do older things.

[00:50:22] Right?

[00:50:23] Yes.

[00:50:23] I recently had, like, a group trip.

[00:50:25] And I was, like, so nervous about this group trip because I'm like, oh, God, it's so many different dynamics.

[00:50:30] It's so many people.

[00:50:31] And sometimes I'm always put in positions where I am forced to be Bryce Isaiah.

[00:50:40] Right?

[00:50:41] And I love Bryce Isaiah.

[00:50:44] Right?

[00:50:45] But Bryce Isaiah ain't clocking in on a friend trip.

[00:50:49] Right?

[00:50:49] Like, Bryce is clocking in.

[00:50:51] And so I was so nervous because I loved everyone that I was on the trip with.

[00:50:55] But I'm like, I don't want to have to be on all the time.

[00:51:00] And so you would be so proud of me, Francesca, because I, when we, like, got the first day, I set very clear boundaries.

[00:51:08] I was like, hey, like, I'm so excited to be here, y'all.

[00:51:10] But, like, I want to chill.

[00:51:14] And, again, me maturing, Franny is, everybody was like, well, we're going out tonight.

[00:51:19] And me maturing was communicating back, I'm going to stay in tonight.

[00:51:23] Like, girl, I'm in my hotel room ordering some room service, watching Bridgerton.

[00:51:30] And when I tell you, like, and at first I had guilt.

[00:51:33] Like, I'm in this exotic country.

[00:51:35] My friends are all, like, but what would make Bryce happy?

[00:51:39] What would make Bryce happy is being in the presence of my friends, knowing my friends are having a good time.

[00:51:45] But my gay behind is in this bed, eating an ice cream and a cheeseburger, watching season two of Bridgerton, and can look out the window and see palm trees and water.

[00:51:56] And I was like, why do I love this?

[00:52:00] You are living your best life.

[00:52:02] Isn't that beautiful?

[00:52:03] Isn't that beautiful?

[00:52:05] And what I'm willing to bet, I mean, look, some people always want to be out.

[00:52:09] That's fine.

[00:52:09] But I bet that you have friends who were envious of you.

[00:52:16] They was like, how was your night?

[00:52:17] I said, great.

[00:52:21] How was yours?

[00:52:23] And it's like, and one of my good friends had said to me, because, again, me getting older.

[00:52:31] First of all, I love the streets.

[00:52:32] I'm definitely for the streets.

[00:52:33] But, you know, it comes in phases now, you know.

[00:52:37] Yeah.

[00:52:38] And I'll never forget, one of my friends was like, asked me to do something.

[00:52:41] And I was like, girl, I don't really know if I want to do it.

[00:52:44] But if you want me to go, I'll go with you because I'm your friend.

[00:52:47] And she said back to me, she said, and I'm your friend.

[00:52:50] And she said, I know that if you're going out just because I'm asking you to go out, I'm not going to have the experience of Bryce that I want.

[00:53:00] And I said, and I never, I don't know why I never thought about it like that.

[00:53:03] She was like, because, like, if you agree to do something, you're not going to have fun.

[00:53:07] And it's not anything to do with me or anything.

[00:53:09] But she's like, you know, I know you enough.

[00:53:12] And she's like, but I want to spend time.

[00:53:14] Can we come over?

[00:53:15] I'm like, absolutely.

[00:53:16] And so it was just like me kind of like realizing that, like, I am changing.

[00:53:22] I am growing.

[00:53:22] Like the things that maybe bonded me and with some of these other people, like I ain't running the streets like that no more.

[00:53:29] Although I keep my streetcar with me because, you know.

[00:53:32] When you want to run, you run.

[00:53:34] But you don't want to run all the time.

[00:53:36] You just don't want to run all the time.

[00:53:38] And your friend, that's, I love that your friend said that to you because that's what I'm saying when I say, like, if it's in your highest good, it's in their highest good too.

[00:53:46] So some people are unconscious and they're just like, no, we want you to come.

[00:53:49] We want you to come.

[00:53:50] We want you to come.

[00:53:50] But if you go out of obligation and you're not feeling it, you're just going to be like, you're not, they're not going to be having the experience of you that they want anyway.

[00:53:59] Right?

[00:54:00] So everybody should just be true to themselves and be like, oh, this is not a street night.

[00:54:04] Yes.

[00:54:04] Enjoy Bridgerton and your ice cream and your cheeseburger.

[00:54:08] So I love that.

[00:54:09] And I love that she was like, okay, well, I just want to spend time with you.

[00:54:12] We don't have to be in the streets.

[00:54:13] Right?

[00:54:13] And so that's the kind of relationship that is balanced.

[00:54:19] Right?

[00:54:20] When somebody's not just always trying to put their agenda on you, but they recognize like, oh, wait, like, well, what does Bryce want?

[00:54:27] You know, what you want is just as important as what I want.

[00:54:30] So we need to come to some common ground.

[00:54:33] But listen, I hear you.

[00:54:35] I'm the first one.

[00:54:38] We need to go to the party for 10 minutes.

[00:54:40] And people will be like, you just got here.

[00:54:42] We're having so much fun.

[00:54:43] I'm like, I know I had so much fun too for 10 minutes.

[00:54:46] Bye.

[00:54:49] And Franny, I, the way I feel that in my soul.

[00:54:52] Now, mind you, the way I do is a little different.

[00:54:54] I am the king of Irish goodbying.

[00:54:57] And it's not that like, oh, I'm trying to be rude.

[00:55:00] But it's really like.

[00:55:02] I'm not taking an hour to say goodbye to you.

[00:55:05] I'm done.

[00:55:06] I'm ready to leave now.

[00:55:07] Not an hour from now.

[00:55:10] My friends are always like, you always want to drive.

[00:55:12] Yes.

[00:55:12] Because when it's time to go.

[00:55:13] Yes.

[00:55:15] I want my own transportation.

[00:55:17] Yes.

[00:55:18] Because, so I received that.

[00:55:21] And I used to think like, oh, I'm so horrible because I'm always wanting to leave.

[00:55:24] But I'm just like, no.

[00:55:25] Like, actually, when my time has, when my Cinderella time has expired, what good am I to someone if I'm standing around with a nasty attitude?

[00:55:35] Like a pumpkin.

[00:55:37] Right.

[00:55:38] I got to get home.

[00:55:40] I got to return these shoes.

[00:55:42] This dress, this carriage.

[00:55:43] It all got to go back.

[00:55:45] And so, again, I find like these conversations that I have with you, they're kind of validating.

[00:55:51] And I always like use the term scared.

[00:55:54] And maybe that's not the best adjective to use.

[00:55:57] It's like uncharted territory.

[00:56:00] Because normally I am the person that's like, all right, whatever y'all want.

[00:56:03] Let's go.

[00:56:03] Let's go.

[00:56:03] Let's go.

[00:56:04] But now it's like, again, me maturing.

[00:56:06] I'm very mindful.

[00:56:07] Yes.

[00:56:08] Very.

[00:56:10] Is that like my, like if we're going out, like I should be a part of what is happening, what we're doing.

[00:56:19] And I don't always want to do that.

[00:56:21] Like I don't always like, and I am feeling so much more comfortable with being like, I'm going to sit this one out or I'm going to.

[00:56:29] And I think for me, the larger issue.

[00:56:33] And again, I can take accountability, you know, is that my communicational style, right?

[00:56:38] Like I think that I wouldn't communicate properly to people that like, hey, I don't really want to go.

[00:56:45] Or just saying, hey, I don't really want to go isn't a great way to respond.

[00:56:49] It's like, hey, actually, I'm feeling more inside tonight.

[00:56:51] Like I'm going to not able to miss.

[00:56:53] I'm not going to make this one, but let me know about another one.

[00:56:56] And so I find that when I communicate more effectively and don't leave it up to thumbs up or hearting a message.

[00:57:04] Right.

[00:57:05] Because that's where things get lost in translation.

[00:57:06] And again, me maturing is that I have to use my words.

[00:57:13] And not only to use my words, but like, how can you advocate for yourself if you're just leaving things up to them?

[00:57:21] However they perceive it.

[00:57:22] No, I want you to know how I perceive it.

[00:57:25] And I'm just telling you this because it's like, look, Franny, I'm growing up.

[00:57:30] You are.

[00:57:31] I'm so proud of you.

[00:57:32] I'm so proud of you.

[00:57:34] And that's like, that's that self-awareness and that accountability.

[00:57:38] Because again, it's like, even if, even if your friends don't, you don't love everything you do, you still are like, but I could be a better communicator.

[00:57:45] Right.

[00:57:45] I can actually have a boundary and really just say no when I really don't want to go.

[00:57:50] And I can say no with love.

[00:57:52] I can be like, yeah, exactly.

[00:57:53] You said, you know, not, I'm not going to be in the streets tonight, but like you have a great time.

[00:57:57] And, you know, let me know about the next time or let me know if you want to go get some brunch or let me know if you want to come over and watch Bridgerton.

[00:58:05] You know, like.

[00:58:07] Right.

[00:58:08] Yeah.

[00:58:08] It's crazy how, and again, this, because first of all, you know, when I come podcasting with friends, I come with notes because I'm like, you know, I got things I need to talk about.

[00:58:18] And it's just crazy how I remember one time I sent you because I was trying to be all professional because I was like, well, we got Freddie.

[00:58:24] I sent you this whole outline bullet.

[00:58:25] And I'm like, girl, this.

[00:58:27] And you was like, Bryce, I ain't look at that.

[00:58:30] We, we going to talk.

[00:58:31] And so I was like, well, all right.

[00:58:35] But I love how this organic conversation, it kind of sort of ends with what we talked about before.

[00:58:41] And it's like, not that you need better friends, but sometimes like life are you elevating.

[00:58:46] And it's like, yeah, I'm not in the streets like that anymore.

[00:58:48] I don't want to like do all of these things.

[00:58:50] However, then you kind of sort of gravitate to different things of like, oh, different people and different things that maybe five years ago you wouldn't have had in common.

[00:59:01] And I think it just kind of all reinforces itself to me that like, be kind to yourself.

[00:59:07] Like, you know, have your boundaries.

[00:59:10] Communicate.

[00:59:13] Yeah.

[00:59:13] You don't feel like you're not picking apples anymore.

[00:59:16] Or find somebody to pick the apples, but it still could be your orchard.

[00:59:20] It's just, it's just so many different things that I feel like are weaved all around.

[00:59:26] But to me and my soul, it makes sense.

[00:59:30] And I just, I feel like I'm, I believe in like divine timing.

[00:59:34] I believe in like God's timing.

[00:59:35] And I don't ever think that we don't podcast for a reason, right?

[00:59:41] Like I don't ever think it's always the timing.

[00:59:43] It's like, I don't know, just hearing this message was just like so reassuring today.

[00:59:48] And it's like literally exactly what I needed.

[00:59:51] And so I just can't say thank you enough for just always seeing me and hearing me and getting me together.

[00:59:58] Yay.

[00:59:58] I'm so glad.

[00:59:59] It's always such a pleasure to be here and to talk to you.

[01:00:02] And one last piece of advice is just to embrace the uncertainty because there is no certainty in life.

[01:00:10] And if we're seeking certainty, we're seeking something impossible.

[01:00:13] We might as well be spending our energy hunting unicorns.

[01:00:16] Like don't do it.

[01:00:17] Use your energy for the things that you can actually make progress with and you can actually accomplish.

[01:00:24] But the certainty is just, yeah, that's, you know, only certainty within yourself of what's right for you.

[01:00:31] That's the only certainty that we can have.

[01:00:33] But what's going to happen is going to happen.

[01:00:36] But you're going to figure it out.

[01:00:38] Just like you always have.

[01:00:40] Yes, I am so grateful.

[01:00:42] So honored.

[01:00:43] Thank you so much, Francesca, for taking the time to talk with us.

[01:00:47] But you will be back in March because I would love to be a promo stop.

[01:00:51] Thank you.

[01:00:52] I will be back.

[01:00:53] Okay.

[01:00:54] I will be back to promote How to Find True Love.

[01:00:56] I can't wait.

[01:00:57] Thank you so much.

[01:00:58] This has been our time with Francesca Hoagie.

[01:01:04] Bye.

[01:01:06] It's the Purple Pants.

[01:01:07] It's the Purple Pants.

[01:01:08] It's the Purple Pants Podcast.

[01:01:10] You better get your headphones and listen up quick.

[01:01:13] It's the Purple Pants Podcast.

[01:01:15] You better listen in public.

[01:01:17] Might make your stomach hurt.

[01:01:18] It's the Purple Pants Podcast.

[01:01:20] You're trying to unwind.

[01:01:22] You better get that box wine.

[01:01:23] It's the Purple Pants Podcast.

[01:01:25] You're trying to get your snack.

[01:01:27] You better hurry right back.

[01:01:28] Go.

[01:01:29] It's the Purple Pants.

[01:01:30] It's the Purple Pants.